Sex, Violence, Or Stupidity – The Future of Movie Ratings

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You know, I just don’t understand the point to movie ratings anymore. These days anyone with a cable connection or a satellite dish can tune into swearing, sex, murder, rape, and professional wrestling without any censoring whatsoever. And yet, movies like The Matrix are rated R for “sci-fi violence and brief language”?

Huh?

In The Matrix, people in a fake world get shot up and killed, yes, and so it’s rated R. OK, fine, but in the Jurassic Park movies there are T-rex dinosaurs chomping on people and tearing them in half! Yet, the entire series is only rated PG-13 for “intense sci-fi terror”.

What’s the difference?

I don’t know about you, but if I had to die one way or the other I’d rather let Keanu Reeves riddle me with bullets or have Mr. Smith burst my hide than have a 30 foot monster with 16,000 teeth chew me up like a slab of wet bacon.

And I do mean “wet” bacon because no amount of diapers or bladder control therapy is going to stop the inevitable potty piddling that is going to proceed a T-rex chomping. I mean, come on, if you get shot, boom its over with, no worries, but no one eaten by a dinosaur ever died with dry panties on I’m certain of that.

The point is there’s no consistency to movie ratings anymore. Does anyone really even pay attention to them these days? Is there anything in an R rated movie that isn’t already shown on most any TV network?

I mean, when Disney puts out movies like “Pirates of the Caribbean” where the “good guys” are thieving, murderous pirates, is there really a point anymore?

What I really don’t understand, and never have, is why people will throw a royal tizzy fit if kids are allowed to see a brief bit of nudity or sex in a movie, and yet no one worries a bit about letting them watch some murderous psychopath kill people with a smile on his face.

Hello! Sex is normal, natural, and going to occur in every person’s life. Murder is horrid, despicable, to be avoided, never engaged in, and never acceptable.

Not that I’m saying let kids watch sex, but why act like murder is no big deal in comparison?

Seriously, next time you see an R rated movie that is edited for television, watch what is actually cut out of it. They’ll take out the nudity, but leave in the part where bodies litter the ground surrounded in pools of blood.

So what are we trying to tell our children with this? It’s OK to cut your neighbors throat just to see how many times his blood spurts before he dies, but you’d better not get caught staring at his wife next time she sunbathes naked in the backyard?

There’s a couple of other things I find ridiculous. For instance, have you ever seen TV go ahead and show naked people other than they “fuzz out” the inappropriate parts?

The first time I saw “Under Siege” on TV, they cut out the whole scene where the Playboy girl pops out of the cake. The last time I saw it on TV, they showed her pop out and dance around naked, other than they “fuzzed out” her breasts.

Gee, like you couldn’t tell she was naked and stripper dancing.

Now, you may be asking yourself why did I actually watch “Under Siege” a second time in the first place, but that’s not the point here.

That movie is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. They won’t show the Playmate’s breasts, but you get to see everybody shot up and Tommy Lee Jones take a knife to the face.

Tell me this, if it were real, would you rather your kid saw boobs or an eight inch blade open up somebody’s nostrils?

Not too hard to figure that one out, is it? So why are we opposite on movie editing? Hmmm?

One more thing I don’t understand, on TV shows that document murder cases such as “Forensic Files” they start each show with a disclaimer that goes something like this:

“This show re-enacts crime scenes that some viewers may find disturbing.”

Hello! Everyone better find murder scenes disturbing! Come on! What the heck are you people thinking?!

So, here’s my suggestion to make movie ratings more useful. Forget worrying about violent or sexual content, they all have it anymore anyway, start rating movies based on stupidity level instead. That way we’ll all know how retarded we have to act for the next two hours in order to enjoy whatever movie we choose to watch.

Doesn’t that make more sense? I mean, isn’t that really where movies are heading these days anyway? And why yes, I do just happen to have a suggestion for a new movie ratings system. Thank you for asking.

F – Fantastic, such as “The Matrix” where of course it’s not real, but at least it makes sense when you are absorbed in it.

FS – Fantastically Stupid, such as “Indiana Jones” where nuclear bombs don’t destroy a refrigerator, but who cares because it’s entertaining.

B – Blonde, such as “Legally Blonde” where as long as you are willing to accept that, yes, people really can be that stupid, it’s still enjoyable to watch as long as you do some nuclear physics reading afterwards to recover your intelligence.

M – Moronic, such as “Journey To The Center Of The Earth” where if you’ve passed even second grade science you can find flaws with the entire premise of the movie.

and

BVD – Best Viewed Drunk, such as “Dogma”, “Blades Of Glory” or “Friday The Thirteenth numbers 1 through infinity” where inebriation is a requirement to glean any sort of enjoyment out of it and you’re better off if you can’t remember it at all when it’s over with anyway.

Now wouldn’t that be more relevant?


write by Uri

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